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A Penny for my thoughts.

Recently I've noticed some patterns in my behaviour.

If someone wants to help me, I'd almost always decline.
I curse at every possible occassion.
I tell people things I later regret, things too private or hurtful.
As soon as something in my life doesn't go according to plan, I'd ditch out on dieting, being sparse with money and learning.
I'm painfully arrogant.

As for the first three things, I still wonder how it came to me being this way. Is it independence gone wrong? Is it being strong gone wrong? Is it masculine behaviour, is it asshole behaviour?

I need to change, that's for sure. I don't want to stay that way.

As for my ditching-out-policy - there must be a reason for this. All of this works as a catalysator for stress, but I can't help but wonder if there aren't different, better ways to relieve my stress. Why can't I see, for example, reading manga as a reward rather than a daily necessity? It seems that I have no other joy in life but eating too much, spending to much, dilly-dallying around too much.

I don't want to be a person like that. I don't want to be despicable like that.

Arrogance. Just because I seem to have found I way I can live and be happy with, I automatically see anyone who doesn't want to make every day the best day (like in working the hardest, not partying the hardest) as a loser. It's not as if I have found the source of all happiness for the whole of humankind, so how could I ever even come so close as to think I'm better than anyone? Simply because I have a better education, because I have a goal or two in life, because I don't spend my time in front of the TV. How does this make me any better?

At this I wonder who I really am. I know what I want, but I don't know how I want to react upon receiving it. I don't know who I want to be. I don't want to describe myself only with money, education and hobbies. I want to have a personality.

I want to be a person.


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